Surviving Manila Traffic
Driving through Manila takes a special skill and tenacity. We all complain about traffic. Coming from LA, I thought the 405 took the record of most unbearable traffic jam. After driving in Manila for a while, the drive always ends with a prayer for a miracle.
Observe:
This is a re-enactment. Sometimes ice cream carts and bicycles also end up crossing major intersections. Chickens are optional, depending where you are. In this diagram, I’ve lumped 4 vehicle classes: cars, buses, motorcycles, and jeepneys. If you don’t know what a jeepney is, take a gander: http://bit.ly/fi71wh. Don’t let the colours fool you. These are the deadliest road muthaf***z in town.
A guy on a motorcycle also kicked my car as he passed by.
So I’ve devised a plan. Let’s redesign the road for Manila drivers, because normal road rules don’t apply here.
I don’t need to state the obvious benefits of steel walls dividing lanes. People cut in and out at split seconds here. YOU WILL DIE. These will mediate that problem. On the left side, seeing as it’s such a hazard to cross, according to the government, I suggest replacing the sidewalk altogether with hot oil or screaming children. Both equally frightening.
Pedestrians are also unnerving in the city. They walk in and out of the roads without a care in the world. And they’re some kind of superheroes, because they seem unstoppable. So, here’s a solution. Erect a solid wall barring them from the road. To discourage them from jumping the fence, spikes are embedded on the wall. To get to public transit, they would have to buzz in a doorway to a walkway with built in electric sensors. If they stray from the line, they get shocked.
Now all I need is to get this passed in legislation.
